What Bedtime Means: A Short Essay for Parents
Not to be maudlin or morbid, but how many bedtimes do you have left with your children? Each night represents one of a precious and finite number of events with your children. I don’t mean that anything bad will happen.
It’s more that I can’t help but feel that cliche of parenting— my children are growing up so fast (although amazingly I stay the same age).
Bedtime occurs in the limninal space on the the border between wake and the quiet country of sleep. We are all at our most vulnerable. That’s why it is so special, and why it feels so personal when your children fight and argue at that time.
I still cuddle my boys at night. The younger one, sweet but business like, exiles me from his room so he can go to sleep “in his own time”. The older boy still likes to be squeezed tightly and is reluctant to let me go. But both he and I know the pubertal clock is ticking (he is age 11). I’m sure at some point he will not want me hanging out with him at bedtime because it will feel weird and uncool. (Although he may still also perceive this as a loss— entering adolescence is about creating space for independence while missing the safety of childhood. It sure is complicated. Here’s an article I found on managing this transition.)
I grew up with a lot of physical affection in my family but I clearly remember when I wanted less contact from my parents as a teenager. I wonder when I become uncomfortable with it from my parents. When was the last time they put me down for bed?
I’m a homebody and hate to miss bedtime. It’s silly how much I love it. I mean I wrote a book about it. (The original title of my forthcoming book, Never Too Late to Sleep Train was The Bedtime Habit). Spending this quiet time with my kids is often the highlight of my day.
Once, I was talking with a colleague about why later school start times for teens are so controversial, even though the evidence is so strong supporting them. She observed that bedtime is a private, sacred time in the life of a family, and that not everyone wants an expert intruding in this context. I feel like this is also a factor which makes some people uncomfortable with sleep training, although it is both safe and effective.
Here’s my point. You may be here because you struggle with your child’s bedtime. Even when things are difficult, don’t forget to enjoy the small, magical, mundane moments of childhood. A shared laugh over a book you are reading together. Some cozy Snoopy pajamas on a winter’s night. If you like, share in the comments below.
Wave Goodbye to Sleepless Nights
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Great post! Thanks for reminding us that even when we’re on our 10th “curtain call” for the night, that there is always something to appreciate about the moment, despite our frustration. My kids are still very young but I know it won’t be long before I’m wishing they still wanted me to sit in the chair in their dark bedroom and talk about anything and everything.
Yes, the shared confidences at night are so precious. I find that my boys tend to say what is really on their mind when we don’t have eye contact— think bedtime, or the back of the car
I totally agree with your article. my kids are still young ages range 6 to 1 so sometimes (most nights) I just want to be done with bedtime since I’m with them a lot (stay home mom) but I do remind myself every so often how quickly they grow.. they happen to be very adorable most time 🙂
MOST of the time…
Bed time is one of my favorite parts of parenting. With my 4th (and final) child in 6th grade, I am grateful that he still lets me read to him and snuggle before bed. No matter how hard the day is, re-establishing the emotional connection in the minutes before sleep is so critical. Thanks for reminding me to appreciate this often overlooked routine.
Thanks for commenting Adam! Great to see you here. My oldest is in 6th grade (and so far is having an easier time than his old man did in middle school.
I also love the routine of bedtime with my 14 month old son. But….recently he has been waking up every night at 2am and I can’t for the life of me get him to go back to the crib so he ends up in bed with my husband and I. One night is kind of funny and sweet….multiple nights in though…not so much. Is this a regression or developmental leap that is affecting his sleeping thru the night?
Hmm. If he is working on walking it could be.
We are really struggling with our 2y4m old bed time (she was never a good sleeper) and I doubt I’ll miss our daily fights with sleep but recently she came up with a routine. She calls us to come to her room saying: kiss, ug (hug), high five, pookh (fist bump), ug, high five, kiss, ug, high five, pookh etc etc. she’s got a sting of these requirements in some order, then runs back to her bed and waits for us to come and do the ritual 🙂 adorable and worth the daily struggle 🙂
I often console myself by imagining telling these stories to my son’s high school friends and embarrassing the heck out of them.
This was an awesome and much needed article. Many times as a parent I just want my 3yr old to sleep through the night. She’s never been a good sleeper. She has no problem falling asleep at night, she has her cup of milk (I know I need to figure out a way to break her from that-deep sigh 😔) and we read a story and she’s out in no time. But she wakes several times during the night wanting more milk or just calling for us (mom or dad)…It can be exhausting especially with having to get up for work, but I figured one day prayerfully soon she will break out of this habit. But then I might still continue to wake up checking on her throughout the night lol.
It’s good to take the good with the bad. In the meantime, I would look at the night feeds as this is a common cause of night wakings. You’ve probably seen this post of mine, but in case you haven’t, check it out:
https://drcraigcanapari.com/learned-hunger-nighttime-feeding-stop-night-feeding/
Thank you Dr. Canapari!
You’re probably aware of this Dr. Canapari, but the difference that a calm & emotionally-connected bedtime makes on quality of sleep is quantifiable (at least in under 2yos) ! Work of Douglas Teti discussed here:
https://scienceofmom.com/2014/07/28/how-my-3-year-olds-sleep-fell-apart/
Great post! Thanks for sharing.
I raised 4, and bedtime was a special time. I tried to make it a one on one time (not very easy when 2 are twins). Now I am fortunate to be helping my daughter raise my grandson. Knowing just how quickly they grow up, I cherish every bedtime hug, snuggle, and story.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom, Loreli.
Hi Dr. Canapari,
I just wanted to say a big thank you for the always insightful and interesting articles, I like coming back from time to time and reading about topics that interest me a lot, so thanks again! 🙂
Leila
Love it thanks so much
Hi,
My daughter is 16 months old and has been cosleeping and nursing through the night for almost a year now. I was reading your article on night weaning, and on how to stop cosleeping. I’m wondering which one I should stop first, but both of your articles give reasons to stop both first.
Generally it is easier to stop cosleeping first. Sorry for the confusion, and good luck!