There are lots of reasons that parents fail at sleep training their children. One of the most often overlooked is timing. If you pick the wrong time to start, you are doomed to failure. You really want to allow yourself about two weeks of time without any major changes in routine to maximize your chance of success. Some examples of when NOT to sleep train:
- Before age 4–6 months of age.
- When your mother-in-law is visiting
- Right before a vacation
- When your child is suffering from a cold/teething/working on another developmental task such as potty training or learning to walk
- Immediately before or after a new sibling is born
- Around the time of a big work deadline
I think of starting sleep training as analogous to quitting smoking. One of the important smokers are counseled to do when planning to quit is selecting a quit date. If you think of sleep training as quitting bad sleep, you want to pick a date for starting for sleep training as well. If you have selected your date for starting sleep training, I would recommend:
- Marking it on your calendar
- Telling family and friends (who are supportive) of your plans
- If you have been unsuccessful in the past, reflect on what worked and what didn’t
- Making a plan in advance of starting using proven strategies for sleep training
If you have any sleep training horror stories, please share them below. Do you think that timing may have been a factor?
Hi Dr. Canapari,
Thank you for all of your helpful information. I have a question for you regarding your article above. My daughter is 29 months old and is in the process of potty training. She’s doing well with it, but during this last week, she decided to begin crawling out of her crib and would scream bloody murder if we put her back in. We really had no choice but to convert the crib to a toddler bed. Now, I feel like we are back at square one. Once a terrific sleeper (put her in the crib, asleep on her own within 10-15 minutes), she is now only sleeping on her floor, crying out for us, coming into our room, resisting naps, etc. We are trying to remain firm and consistent by taking her back into her room each time, but I’m wondering if it is all just too much for her between the potty training and the toddler bed? Not sure what to do now!
This is a difficult set of circumstances. You did the right thing about converting the bed as it was a safety risk but the timing is not perfect. I would encourage you to remain consistent and recognize that the next week or two may be difficult.
Thank you. One more question- she seems to be fine and sleep all night as long as we stay close when she initially falls asleep. This is new; she used to fall asleep in her crib just fine on her own. What do you think of this? My husband wants to let her cry and let her put herself to sleep. I feel that this is a big adjustment (toddler bed) as well as the potty training and molars coming in. Are we doing more harm than good by staying with her until she falls asleep?
Thanks again for your insight.
Hi Dr. Canapari,
I write this as my son (7 months, 1 week) cries himself back to sleep.
We are on Day 10 of Sleep training using extinction (allowing him to CIO until he falls asleep). I brought him to the pediatrician on Day 3 to be sure he didn’t have an ear infection, and was in perfect health, which thank gd, he was.
We had to sleep train him because he was waking a MINIMUM of every 45 minutes and would only want me to breast “feed” him. I felt it too cruel to keep him dependent on me for sleep. And it worked. Every night he slept longer and longer at a time. I feed him after 6 hours from his last feeding when he wakes crying and then put him back down. Last night he slept 8 hours straight and a total of 10 and a half hours, (Which is more than ever).
Problem: he is still screaming like hell when we put him down, and now it is worse. The second I start his night feed in his dimly lit room, or start our night lullaby, he starts shrieking, and when I do put him down, it’s a MAD screaming 🙁 it seems like he now understands what this routine means and gets so upset by it! What do I do? Am I supposed to stick with it? Or is 10 days too much?
He got down to crying 6 minutes on day 6/7 but then crept back up to 15, 30, and then tonight was 15 minutes of crying…
He’s exhausted when we put him down.
Thank you so much!
I think you are almost there and are just seeing an extinction burst. Good luck!
Dear Dr Canapari,
I would really appreciate your advice. We have a nearly 2-year old who has never been a good sleeper from day one. At 10 months we sleep-trained her (crying it out) and we had 2 months of sleeping through the night but 5am starts (which were hard). My husband and I both work full time and our daughter started going to daycare from the age of one and was frequently ill or teething in the last year and sleeping through the night ended there… We were so exhausted that when we first realised that she would sleep in our bed from when she wakes until 7 in the morning that we started co-sleeping. She has a fabulous bedtime routine, a “soulmate” cuddly toy and we leave the room before she is asleep, with a little night light by the bed. She calls out once or twice to check if we’re there and then goes to sleep (7.30pm). Yet she wakes in the night always crying/calling for us and now even if she co-sleeps she struggles to stay asleep/ go back to sleep thrashing for hours in our bed. If she wakes at 5 we usually give her some milk and she goes to sleep again but she now demands it at 1 or 3am or whenever she wakes and when I don’t give her any she thrashes around restless for hours. Have you got any advice? We’re so exhausted that we are scared of going through sleep training again as she can be tough to convince (cries, tantrums). Plus we have a non-understanding neighbour who bangs on walls or our front door if we let her cry at night. Thanks so much for any advice you can give.
Two thoughts: 1. If she is routinely drinking at night she may be waking up hungry. 2. A gentler sleep training method like camping out applied during the night every time she gets up will hopefully work. Unfortunately bringing her into your bed, even intermittently, perpetuates the cycle. In terms of dealing with the neighbor, waiting until he/she goes away, purchasing a bottle of wine or (in extreme cases) getting a hotel room for a night may be helpful.
Dr. Canapary,
Is it OK to sleep train (any approach) a child with severe night terrors that include three to four episodes per night every night oftentimes lasting an hour. I know most kids outgrow them quickly but it has lasted several months. Our child is 15 months old and seems like the only approach to keep calm and asleep through the night is for someone to hold him. I wonder if holding him in our arms is making the sleep terrors worse when his sleep cycle is over and he finds himself alone in the crib? At the same time, we want him to feel safe and secure when going through the night terrors. These are also associated with teeth grinding during the night and the day. The crying out (moms on call) approach worked well but it took 1 hr 45 min of crying every time and a sleep deprived kid for days. Many thanks for your advice!!
Sincerely, Jordan P.
It is unclear to me if these events are night terrors or if they actually represent bouts of crying due to sleep onset associations. Typically night terrors run their course regardless of interventions. Does he fall asleep on his own?
No, he does not fall asleep on his own.
I believe your issue is likely sleep onset associations and not night terrors. Teaching him to fall asleep on his own at bedtime will likely resolve them.
Dr. Canapary,
We have a 9 mo. old son and are finally in our first home where he has his own bedroom. Unfortunately I’m having difficulty sleep training.
Bedtime is anywhere from 8-9pm. My husband and I work opposite shifts and we try to stick to a routine as much as possible when our jobs allow.
He goes to bed ok it’s the waking up and screaming at 10:30pm, 11:30pm, 3am, and lastly 5am and up for the day shortly after. Being the only one home at night I’m exhausted.
No feedings at night. Just inconsolable. I’ve rubbed the stomach, whispered that I’m there, he has a sound machine and his favorite stuffed animal.
Inevitably ending up in my bed so I’m able to continue my 2nd job writing and dealing with on off sleep.
Our doctor just wants us to let him cry it out for 3-5 days and deal with it. Said we are doing everything wrong.
It’s hard doing this as a ‘single’ evening parent.
Any additional advice?
My son is 17 months old and has not fallen asleep on his own up to this point. We plan on starting the “cry it out” method tonight but I’m unclear what to do when he wakes up during the night. Right now I will go in and rock him or lay by him or anything to get him back to sleep for him to wake up an hour later. Since we are going to let him cry it out at bedtime do we also let him cry it out during the middle of the night wake ups? Thank you for your advice
Two ways to approach this. The faster but harder method is to apply CIO every time he wakes up. The slower but easier method is to just use CIO at bedtime and do what you have been ding during the night. Either way works.