When parents think sleep training, the often think about extinction or CIO sleep training. Although CIO sleep training works well for infants and younger toddlers, I prefer gentler methods for older toddlers and preschoolers, especially if they are anxious. The “Excuse Me Drill” and “Taking a break” are two simple techniques which work well for children two and up who need their parents to fall asleep. These are two of my favorite techniques, and in my book It’s Never Too Late To Sleep Train (affiliate link), I called them “progressive break” techniques.
Who these techniques are for
Generally these work well for kids who are sleeping in beds and not cribs. Think ages three and up, although the excuse me drill has been tested in children as young as age two. Here are the prerequisites:
- Your child who needs Mom or Dad to fall asleep at night
- Your child can tolerate you leaving the room for a short period of time. (If they cannot, camping out sleep training may work better.
- Ages 3 and up, but perhaps down to age two.
- You need to know what time your child ACTUALLY FALLS ASLEEP– not the time you want them to fall asleep– and it should be consistent.
- Your child is not motivated by rewards. (Children who are motivated by rewards may do better with the bedtime pass.
How these sleep training techniques work
In both of these techniques, you will stay with your children until they fall asleep.
You will do your bedtime routine and turn the lights out 30 minutes before you expect them to fall asleep.
In both of these techniques, you will be taking short breaks between lights out when your child falls asleep. The DIFFERENCES are in HOW OFTEN you leave the room and HOW LONG you leave the room for.
Note that you will be coming back into the room BEFORE your child gets stressed, and praising them extravagantly but calmly. Why? Because positive attention from a parent is the best positive reinforcement in the world.
At some point, you will leave the room and come back and your child will be asleep. That is the magic of these techniques! No crying and no fuss.
Now, here are the differences:
Lights out: when you turn out the lights. Falls asleep: When your child falls asleep
The red blocks indicate when you are out of the room.
In the “Excuse Me Drill”, you will be leaving the room for very short breaks multiple times during the interval between when you turn off the lights and when your child falls asleep. You progress by increasing the length of the time you spend out of the room on each break.
In “Taking a Break” you leave once at the midpoint of the interval between when you turn off the lights and when your child falls asleep. You progress by increasing the length of the time you spend out of the room.
How to perform the breaks
During each break you will make an excuse on why you need to leave the room. You will say, “excuse me, I need to step out and ___________ for a second. I’ll be right back!”. The excuse doesn’t really matter. Here are some suggestions:
I need to…
- check the soufflé
- buy a lottery ticket
- practice my breakdancing
- bang out ten pull ups
- (In all seriousness, boring excuses (“I need to check on your brother, take out the trash, etc”) work best
When you come back, you praise your child for staying in his bed, looking cozy, acting brave, etc. It is OK to touch him. Be calm (you don’t want to hype your kid up) but make sure you know you are proud of him.
Which of these techniques is right for me and my child
Generally, I prefer “taking a break” as it is simpler and requires less energy for tired parents. Typically I would like your child to be able to tolerate you stepping out of the room for at least a minute to start.
However, the Excuse Me Drill has been studied in children with Angelman Syndrome, which is a developmental disorder associated with severe sleep difficulties, so it may work better if your child has any developmental issues or delays. The frequent checks offer multiple repetitions of positive reinforcement. This CAN work if your child can only tolerate your absence for less than a minute.
How to perform the Excuse Me Drill gentle sleep training technique
The “excuse me drill” a gentle sleep training method which is a great fit for anxious kids who are old enough to be sleeping in a bed. It’s comprised of very frequent checks (as in “Ferberizing” or gradual extinction) on a child who is trying to learn to fall asleep by himself. This was developed by Dr. Brett Kuhn, a sleep behaviorist at the University of Nebraska. I was first introduced to it by Dr. Sarah Honaker (who also wrote a great post for this blog).
Just as I did in the last example, we will use our planned timing of 8:00 p.m. lights-out with 8:30 p.m. sleep onset.
- As before, rehearse this once or twice so your child knows what to expect.
- Go through your bedtime routine and turn off the lights at 8pm.
- A little bit after lights-out, tell your child that you need to step out for a moment to do something. This is called the Excuse Me Drill because you say something along the lines of, “Excuse me for a minute—I need to check the soufflé/basketball scores/price of Bitcoin.” (During the evening keep these excuses mundane, but during rehearsal it is fun to make them silly.) Note that you will feel ridiculous.
- Stay out for a very short period of time– between 15 seconds up to a minute. If your child is anxious or following you out of the room it is too long.
- Return and praise the child extravagantly. As before, lay it on thick. A little bit later, step out again for a very brief interval. Do this multiple times during the 30 minute period.
- After about thirty minutes of this, it’s OK to stay with your child until he falls asleep
On night one, you will do this multiple times (think five to fifteen repetitions of stepping out, pausing for less than a minute, then returning). Every time you come back in, provide the affection and attention that reinforces the bravery of your child in being apart from you. Doing this frequently is called a “thick” reinforcement schedule. . On night two, you will gradually increase the amount of time you spend out of the room. Each night the breaks will be longer and longer until your child starts falling asleep without you.
Coupling this with bedtime fading is a great combination for an older, anxious child, and this has been studied in children with developmental issues (specifically Angelman syndrome) as well. Like all sleep training methods, it should be part of a detailed plan.
How to perform the “Taking a Break” gentle sleep training technique
Below, I’m going to use our example of 8:00 p.m. lights-out with 8:30 p.m. sleep onset. Here’s how to do it:
- Rehearse this once or twice during the day so your child knows what to expect.
- Go through your bedtime routine
- At 8:15 p.m., tell your child that you are taking a break. Leave the room and promise to come back quickly. You don’t have to tell your child how long the break will be, as you don’t want to encourage clock watching. Return in one minute and praise the child extravagantly, knowing that your Oscar nomination will be in the mail. “Look what a big boy you are! You stayed in bed and are so cozy! Great job!” Hugs and kisses are OK.
- Stay until your child falls asleep.
- The next night, do the same thing, except leave for two minutes.
- Every night extend your time out of the room until your child is consistently falling asleep without you for a few nights in a row.
- Celebrate your child’s achievement!
FAQs and troubleshooting
What if my child follows me out of the room or gets upset?
The most likely reason is that the length of your interval is too long. Your ideal interval is one where your child stays calmly in their bed and relaxes. Thus, you may need to progress more slowly in increasing the intervals. Practicing this technique a few times during the day may also help make it less scary.
My child is now falling asleep independently but is still waking up at night.
Many children who need their parents to fall asleep need them when they have natural awakenings at night (a phenomenon called sleep onset association disorder). Usually, once your child is falling asleep at bedtime the night wakings resolve in a month or so. If they are persistent (or you want this to go more quickly), you can use the same technique at in the middle of the night that you used at bedtime. For example, if you are using Taking a Break, put your child back to bed, stay for a bit, step for for whatever duration you are doing at bedtime, then return afterwards.
Resources and further reading
Kuhn, Brett, ed. “Part III: BSM Protocols for Pediatric Sleep Disorders.” In Behavioral Treatments for Sleep Disorders, ed. Michael Perlis, Mark Aloia, and Brett Kuhn. Burlington, MA: Academic Press, 2011
Does this sound like it might work for your child? Let me know if you have any questions about the mechanics of this.
